Now, when I started on this blog journey, I promised myself I wouldn't get too personal; I swore that I wouldn't give too many details of my life because I believe in saving some details for a close few. Prompted by The Shine Project, I am slightly breaking my promise to myself.
Danielle asked if we ever had our lives planned out a certain way. Well, yes - and my plans and real life couldn't be more different. I feel super blessed to be where I am; I have the most supportive family ever (sometimes a little too supportive), I have a man who loves me despite our disagreements and relationship faults, I have a home with a bed to lay in every night, and I have a perfectly healthy baby boy.
While I admit that I am - in some ways - living a pretty dreamy life, I had serious convictions about my life on a regular basis. You know that song "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage?" Well, my song is a little different. Big Steven and I are not married and Little Steven was the most awesome
Like I said, I have convictions about the life I'm living. I believe everyone's relationship with God is personal and my bond with Him has become incredibly strong since the day I found out I was pregnant. There have been many tears shed out of fear of disappointing Him and many long talks with Him that ended in me pleading for direction.
Even when I started this blog, I wondered if I should talk about my faith and love for God in the same place I talk about my boyfriend and our son. I prayed about it a lot and found that leaving either piece of the puzzle out would take away all sincerity that exists in my faith.
The truth is, God's love surpasses any fathomable love in our minds. In my circumstances right now, my relief is knowing I'm loved...like BIG TIME loved. I never doubted that love, though I'd felt like I'd disappointed God among others in my life, and I didn't care about the societal traditional values; I mostly feared the responses from other Christians - the ones in my life and the ones who know me 'from a distance.' While I've made a big effort not to judge anyone or their circumstances, I know judgement comes far too easily to many others. When even they embraced me, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. And those who don't embrace it only remind me of God's unfailing love.
Trust and faith are constant reminders to me that life is not about being perfect, but remembering that we're forgiven and loved by the One who matters most. It's knowing God's guidance and will are so good; I don't have to worry. It's knowing, though it's not visible now, that peace will come in my heart about this situation.
For now, I pray. A lot.