Monday, April 23, 2012

women who ruin lives: the literature turned movie edition.

You may or may not have read my rants on women who ruin lives here, here, or maybe here.
As a lover of literature, or books as some may call it, I decided to do a special edition:

Women Who Ruin Lives:
The Literature Turned Movie Edition

We'll start with my favorite female characater to date: Katniss.
On pretty much every level, I want to be you.
Not only can you shoot a bow better than any man in the Hunger Games series (or any man in NOVA for that matter), but you look dang hot doing it.
And that braid?  HELLOOO!
On top of your hotness, badassness, and intellegence, you get to have Peeta - arguably the greatest fictional character ever imagined.
I spent many a night dreaming about Peeta and his baking/decorating skills.
What a man!
And you have stolen him. 
Without even knowing the effect you can have, evidently.
To top it off, your back up plan is Gale.

Oh, yeah.  Such a hard life you lead.
I don't feel bad.


First of all, when did you become a sassy woman?
Weren't you a little girl?
Like 20 movies ago?
You're a genius, a mud-blood (best of both worlds, if you ask me), and you have delicious wavy hair.
Then, after about a zillion books of making fun of Ron, you suddenly want him?
I don't think so.
I realize it took 7 books for Ron to actually prove that he has a brain, but it only took about 4 movies for this red-headed, blonde-brained tween to turn into a smokin' hot ginger.

Am I right?  I'm always right.
But, ladies, you can't have him.
Apparently, Hermoine thinks she can waltz right in and take him for herself.
And she can because J.K Rowling said so.



Like you didn't know she was coming.

This picture alone makes me want to cuss you out.
But, I love Jesus, so I won't.
Where do you get off making werewolves and vampires fall all crazy in love with you?
Furthermore, where do you get off getting all knocked up?
Why do you think you're so special you get to live forever?
Let me tell you this, Bella, you made one crucial mistake in your little world:
You chose one.
Take 'em both and let 'em fight amongst themselves.
When they fight, they generally take their shirts off, so this is a win-win situation.
You big dummy.

The fact that you get to have one in real life makes you extra annoying.


First of all, congratulations to Claire Danes who isn't necessarily the greatest actress (I'm being kind here), but landed some awesome roles (My So Called Life and, namely, Romeo and Juliet).
You can now take your place next to Kristen Stewart and Kirsten Dunst (think Crazy/Beautiful).
I actually wanted my name to be Susana when Leo fell to his knees in the field to scream your name because 'Susan' isn't enough syllables.
I heard it in my head.
When he screamed my name, Susana, I'd come running and hug him and likely make out with him.
Actually, I'd never cause him such grief to begin with.
I get it.
The whole idea of the story is that you're both selfless and in love, but once Romeo was Leonardo (or vice versa), it just became stupid.
Why do anything to make such a hot man drink poison and die?
Maybe you didn't plan it that way, but I still blame you.

On a side note, I'd like to thank the producers of the movie for making Shakespeare cool.
I've always thought he was cool (SHAKESPEARE FTW!) and, though it did nothing to help my popularity whatsoever, I felt like I had a leg up at this point in my life.

I wonder who would win in a fight.
I'll take Katniss out of the equation because she's an experienced fighter and would kick butt, and I'll take Juliet out because, well, she killed herself once and I don't doubt she'd do it again.

Hermoine v. Bella?
Riddle me that.

1 comment:

  1. girl you crack me up! i love it! i think in a galatic battle between hermoine and bella, hermoine would def win! ;)

    I am actually starting to re-read hunger games. Katniss is like the strongest female character and the star of the story too! double win.