Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Confessions of a Real Life Mom.

I let my son get away with stuff because I feel guilty. 

{mama's boy!}
I let him eat in the living room in front of the T.V. when he isn't having a good day.  I do that out of guilt because I only get a small chunk of time with him and I'd rather he be happy when we're together.  I also let him lay in my bed in the morning while I finish getting ready because I feel guilty having to wake him up in the morning to get him ready for the day.  And here's the worst one...I give him his pacie (aka bee-u) pretty much whenever he asks for it. 

Last night was interesting.  Little Steven gets in these moods and because he only knows a few words, it's a guessing game when we (Big Steven and I) are trying to make him happy.  I got to Mrs. L's late yesterday because I had to run to LA Jones' house to get his milk bottles I left there Sunday.  Yes, he has special milk bottles and refuses to drink out of anything else in the morning; in fact, he's thrown a bottle back at me because he didn't like it.  And don't even get me started on warm milk...  When I finally arrived - 30 minutes late - to pick him up, he was crying so hard.  I asked Mrs. L what was wrong and she said he's just been crying since he woke up.  So guess what?  I felt guilty.  I felt guilty that I was late because maybe it threw him off, I felt guilty that I have to take him to daycare every single day, and I felt guilty knowing that I had to go home, make dinner, and do laundry.  I felt guilty for stuff that hadn't even happened yet!

It doesn't end there.  After I made dinner (while Daddy was making him happy), he wanted nothing to do with it.  What kid person doesn't like bacon and noodles?  So, Big Steven took him out of his high chair which mad him even more unhappy.  I gave him his milk, layed him on the couch, gave him his blankies (he has to have both), had a pacie next to him, and turned on cartoons.  We finished eating then he decided he might be hungry.  So, I got a lunchable and he had a fine time eating it out in the living room while watching T.V.  Eating in the living room and watching T.V. during dinner are both things Big Steven and I don't want to allow, but I just felt so dang guilty.  The real cherry on top was when he scraped his little arm by falling outside and coming inside only to fall again on the same arm.  Poor, poor baby.

The rest of the evening was rough because I had to let him cry a bit when I put him down for bed.  He just kept crying "MAMA" for about 5 minutes until I went in and rocked him for a little while.  He cried when I put him back down, but only for a minute and fell sound asleep.

After the traumatic day, I began pedaling away on my bike, crying because I wonder if I'm doing 'okay' as a mom.  I'm not sure how to shake this guilt that I feel all the time, but I'm working on it.

I think I'm letting him get away with too much, which will be a disaster in later years.  Go figure, I feel guilty for letting him do things because I felt guilty.

I am so weird.

{totally wrapped around his finger}

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  1. I love this post. I cant say i understand the guilt of leaving him at daycare everyday, but today when we had no ac in the car and i left him with the only person I trust with my kid other than Greg and my parents, i felt horrible becuase he has been with me 24/7 for the last 9 months and here i am leaving him with someone who has a kid of their own and cant give him 100% of their attention.... I have always felt guilty about letting him cry it out, unless he deserves it (ie crawling up on the entertainment tower and when he falls he throws a huge tantrum) I love the cuddliness i get when he's upset about wanting to be rocked to sleep everynight. And the cuddliness because he's "growing a pair" and lets go of whatever he's holding onto and falls and scares himself. Dont feel guilty becuase you are trying to provide for a better life for him than if you weren't working or going back to school.

  2. Thanks, Sarah! That really made me feel better. I think it does help to know that I'm not a nut feeling guilty all the time. I just hope he always knows how much I love him, you know? I worry that he won't feel safe if I just let him cry sometimes and I don't want him to be void of emotion because I ignored him. I definitely think I am thinking way too far into it, but that's what moms do, right?