Wednesday, February 22, 2012

cry out to Jesus.

Ever since Steven proposed to me, I've been thinking about our future - naturally.
I don't have a single, teeny weeny doubt about marrying Steven; I know he's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I worry about my own little self-sabotage sometimes, though.  I worry about that silly little divorce rate and I worry about the odds.

Truth is, Steven and I have been through a whole bunch together.  Lots of those things I have chosen to keep private and will likely continue to keep them private.
But, we made it.

[circa 2008]
We made it through an accidental pregnancy that not everyone was totally stoked about.

We made it through nearly 7 months of a colicky baby; I'm talking little more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep...for 7 STINKIN' MONTHS!

Not to mention the 9 months of dirty looks I gave him pre-baby.  Seriously, Steven, did you HAVE to breath so loudly?

We made it through ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends showing their pretty little heads back up in our lives.

We made it through fights with the other person's family members - physical and verbal.

We made it through a fight that caused us to miss the Cowboys v. Redskins game.  THAT IS HUGE!

We made it through our own personal vices.

Seriously, though, there's very little that can shake us at this point.

When I realized I was pregnant, there was a series of events that occured:

1.  Uncontrollable sobbing.
2.  Visions of my Granny's disappointment.
3.  Told my Step Dad, still sobbing, whose response was "THIS IS AWESOME!!!  Does the pink line mean it's a girl?"
4.  Called my Mama, whose response was "It's gonna be okay, I'm always here for you."
5.  Called Steven, whose response was "So does that mean you're coming back over?!"
6.  Drove back to Steven's house.
7.  Prayed.  For hours and hours and hours.

I'd never felt so close to God and never felt so much forgiveness in all of my life.
You see, some people think that being a Christian means not making mistakes, being perfect, and following all the 'rules.'

Maya Angelou said it best when she said:

"I am not claming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I'm worth it."

Ever since then, God has been kinda whispering for me to be something more.  Those whispers have gotten louder over the last couple of years; I'm not sure if it's because I've chosen to be more and more obedient to Him or because He's straight up yelling, but my heart is longing for more.

I had great plans to make my big debut back at church on Sunday, then was knocked off my feet with whateverthatwas.

So, I thought I'd tune into good 'ol Joel Osteen (who, per my sister's request, I will not be spiritually fed by on a regular basis) and his sermon was about God's voice. 
Wellllllll, isn't that a coincidence?  I've been half-way listening for God's voice for a couple years now!
He was talking about how God always gives us little warnings, little 'signs' if you will, but we have to be open to seeing them.

I know that without God and without obedience to Him, Steven and I will either crumble or go up in flames.

I SUCK at arguing.  I cry, I bring up seemingly moot points, I even *gasp* instigate.
None of these are intentional, but they still occur.

I know that these two subjects - marriage and God - seem totally unrelated to a lot of people and I am probably a little scatter-brained this morning from an occurance on the homefront, but I guess my point is that crying out to God works and God makes things work.

I know that having a baby when I did may not have been what God wanted me to do, but He sure did make it work.  He made it work better than this guy:

If you're still reading, HEY THANKS and color-me-shocked!

And if something in your life feels off, I'll leave you with this:


  1. Well, thats not the only coinkydink. A neighbor invited us to go to bible study/ play group at her church tomorrow morning. I really wanted to clue her in on my current relationship with Him, but didn't want to traumatize her. Truth be told, i agreed to go mainly for the play group for Benjamin since he so desperately needs the interaction with other kids. Alterior motives, i know. But just the same I have a tugging feeling. Whether its from Him or myself screaming for a more social life for my child, i dont know. Only time will tell.

    1. four things -

      1. i wanted to use "coinkydink" but wasn't sure how to spell it.

      2. i think once you get there, you'll know why you felt the need to go.

      3. it's okay to be honest about your relationship with God; i think that's how we get to the next step, whatever that step may be.

      4. fav quote = "it's not odd, it's God."

    2. Why cant blogger let me like that comment! Im so nervous. None of these ladies know my story. And I know the "how many kids do you have" question is going to pop up. That question gives me the worst anxiety attacks, the next one is "how old" if i dont lie. I hate having such anxiety about meeting new people. I think youre right though, once i get there, i might figure things out a bit better.

    3. i always try to 'like' things - like statements, text messages, etc. i just say 'LIKE!' now.

      anyway, it's up to you how you approach it - i don't think you HAVE to tell everyone your story right away if you aren't comfortable. that connection will likely come with them at a later point and you can tell them that you actually have 2 sons.

      as always, i'll be praying for you. it's always hard. i am REALLY nervous about just stepping into some strange church, sharing my life with people, but what are you gonna do?! i heard they have a great preschool program, too, which is just an extra perk.

      my sister told me "your sin is no different than anyone else who has been redeemed in that church." that makes me feel SO much better.

      plus, if i decide it's not the right church for me, i'll move on.

    4. Come to church with me!!! I'm pretty sure my pastor has the same opinion about Joel as Helen does :)

  2. oh and PS they do children's church just like at SPBC where they do something with the pastor and then go do their own thing and all ages are welcome if you want to bring the babe. We need a bigger young adult population!

    1. the only reason i am trying this church is because it's small and it's realllllly close to us, which means i will be more likely to go every sunday if i really love it. but i will keep you posted on how it goes there and the feeling i get from the folks there - your church sounds really wonderful and i have stalked it.

  3. I love that quote "it's not odd, it's God", never heard of it before, thanks for sharing! I do take certain things/people as "signs" from God or sometimes i can't explain and ppl look at me like i'm weird! lol. Suzie, I pretty much think your life is so blessed :)

    1. everyone always makes fun of me when i say "it's not odd, it's God" but that's okay! thanks for the oompliment, Britt, i do feel pretty blessed even in the hard times.