the 'me' generation.

So, here's the thing...

I've had a really hard time blogging lately.  The reason is because I have a different view of the whole blogging thing now.

When I stopped to focus on school, I also stopped reading most blogs in general unless something appealed to me on Facebook.  When I started reading them again, I was a bit startled by how many of the blogs I 'follow' are (seemingly) incredibly self-absorbed.  I actually can't read most of the blogs on my reading list anymore because I try to avoid things that cause me to feel negative and, honestly, I have gotten borderline frustrated while reading.

Before you get upset with me, I'm not saying ALL bloggers are self-absorbed and I AM saying that I have fallen under that category.  As unintentional as it may be, it's still there.  Something has just, very suddenly, started to rub me the wrong way.

So, basically I'm in a bit of a pickle here because I love writing and being silly and sharing my life, but

Am I patting myself on the back too much?

 

 

 

I know this has all changed because of my walk with Christ; that I can never share too much, so I'm cool with talking about it.  I also know that John Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life" is really speaking to me and LET ME TELL YOU it's been quite humbling and frustrating all at the same time.

It's not just in the blogger world, but every day conversations where I've started to notice how many people use the word 'I' or 'me.'  I've begun to notice how many people can turn conversation back to themselves, how many people make choices because based on what's easiest for them, and how many people get frustrated when things don't go the way they wanted them to.

Again, I'm not excluding myself here.
Every time I get annoyed about doing something that is for the better good of my family, there's a bit of selfishness involved.

We shouldn't do things for people because it's our 'role' or because we have to, we should do things for people because we love them.

The quicker we get away from thinking or saying "Why should I?" or "What's in it for me?" or "How can I be the happiest?" and begin by reminding ourselves that we should be driven by love, the less frustration, anger, and grudges we will have.

And that is truly freeing.

The good thing is, all of this is beginning to make me much more aware of my own actions and reactions to people.  The bad thing is, it's also beginning to make me much more aware of other's actions and reactions.

I know I can't control what other people do, but I can definitely change my own actions and I can encourage other people to consider others before themselves.

So, here's my encouragement:
Think before you act/react.

Is it really that serious that your significant other leaves dirty socks on the couch?  I mean, it's gross, but it's not that serious.
Should you really buy that super expensive shirt (or whatever) because you soooo deserve it...even though you can't pay your credit card bill?
Should you really tailgate the person in front of you for going slowly and pass them whilst giving the finger because they had the audacity to keep you up?  Are you really so special that it's okay to cut someone off because you have somewhere to be?
Do your kids really deserve to get yelled at for whatever slightly annoying thing he/she is doing today?
Does your coworker really deserve that attitude?
Does anyone really deserve that attitude?

Just for a day, try to put someone else's wants/needs before your own.
And don't just say you are, really do it.
Having a servant's heart isn't the same as not caring about yourself.
I know it sounds weird, but giving (physically and emotionally) until it hurts is probably one of the greatest feelings ever.

Stay tuned for my post on how the most important thing in life isn't to be happy.
GASP!



cry out to Jesus.

Ever since Steven proposed to me, I've been thinking about our future - naturally.

I don't have a single, teeny weeny doubt about marrying Steven; I know he's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I worry about my own little self-sabotage sometimes, though.  I worry about that silly little divorce rate and I worry about the odds.

Truth is, Steven and I have been through a whole bunch together.  Lots of those things I have chosen to keep private and will likely continue to keep them private.

But, we made it.

[circa 2008]

We made it through an accidental pregnancy that not everyone was totally stoked about.

We made it through nearly 7 months of a colicky baby; I'm talking little more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep...for 7 STINKIN' MONTHS!

Not to mention the 9 months of dirty looks I gave him pre-baby.  Seriously, Steven, did you HAVE to breath so loudly?

We made it through ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends showing their pretty little heads back up in our lives.

We made it through fights with the other person's family members - physical and verbal.

We made it through a fight that caused us to miss the Cowboys v. Redskins game.  THAT IS HUGE!

We made it through our own personal vices.

Seriously, though, there's very little that can shake us at this point.

When I realized I was pregnant, there was a series of events that occured:

1.  Uncontrollable sobbing.

2.  Visions of my Granny's disappointment.

3.  Told my Step Dad, still sobbing, whose response was "THIS IS AWESOME!!!  Does the pink line mean it's a girl?"

4.  Called my Mama, whose response was "It's gonna be okay, I'm always here for you."

5.  Called Steven, whose response was "So does that mean you're coming back over?!"

6.  Drove back to Steven's house.

7.  Prayed.  For hours and hours and hours.

I'd never felt so close to God and never felt so much forgiveness in all of my life.
You see, some people think that being a Christian means not making mistakes, being perfect, and following all the 'rules.'

Maya Angelou said it best when she said:

"I am not claming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I'm worth it."

Ever since then, God has been kinda whispering for me to be something more.  Those whispers have gotten louder over the last couple of years; I'm not sure if it's because I've chosen to be more and more obedient to Him or because He's straight up yelling, but my heart is longing for more.

I had great plans to make my big debut back at church on Sunday, then was knocked off my feet with whateverthatwas.

So, I thought I'd tune into good 'ol Joel Osteen (who, per my sister's request, I will not be spiritually fed by on a regular basis) and his sermon was about God's voice. 

Wellllllll, isn't that a coincidence?  I've been half-way listening for God's voice for a couple years now!

He was talking about how God always gives us little warnings, little 'signs' if you will, but we have to be open to seeing them.

I know that without God and without obedience to Him, Steven and I will either crumble or go up in flames.

I SUCK at arguing.  I cry, I bring up seemingly moot points, I even *gasp* instigate.

None of these are intentional, but they still occur.

I know that these two subjects - marriage and God - seem totally unrelated to a lot of people and I am probably a little scatter-brained this morning from an occurance on the homefront, but I guess my point is that crying out to God works and God makes things work.

I know that having a baby when I did may not have been what God wanted me to do, but He sure did make it work.  He made it work better than this guy:

If you're still reading, HEY THANKS and color-me-shocked!

And if something in your life feels off, I'll leave you with this:

Giving.

{poncho - F21}

For some reason, talking about 'giving' makes people uncomfortable.  One of the things (among too many to even mention) that I love about my family is their ability to give unselfishly. 

If I ever need anything, my mama is the first person to give it to me.  Never mind the fact that she gives of herself every day to patients and gets paid crap; money to my mom is just money - she has very little and is the first person to step up and give it all away.  My twin, who I call 'Buddy' or 'Twin', is the same in that he is quick to give whatever he has, even if it's not a lot.  I remember going off to college and not having the money for books; I called Buddy crying and he paid for them on multiple occasions.  My sister, Wendy, was the first person to make sure I knew my son would be taken care of when I learned I was pregnant (followed closely by her husband, Jason).  My sister, Helen, has given her life to serve the Lord and others.  At the age of 29, she knows where He wants her (Brazil) - how many people can say they know exactly where God wants them to be?  She's living on a teacher's salary in the south, pays a mortgage, and is still able to tithe what little she has left.

It really hurts my heart when my friends share their financial struggles with me or when I see my family struggling financially; I find myself wishing I had the money to help.  I've learned from my family that we're called to give until it hurts - a concept that not a lot of people really understand.  I understand living within my means and I am constantly looking for ways to save money.  I also believe in the importance of saving money for emergencies and paying off high interest loans.  Above all of this, I believe in the importance of giving to our neighbors.

This weekend, I learned a pretty valuable lesson about giving as I examined my reactions to mutliple friends in my life; on one hand, I am supportive, on the other I sometimes decide, "well, you got yourself into this mess..."  I learned that it's not up to us to decide whether or not another person is worthy of a gift; if he/she needs it, give it.  As I am, I am so unworthy of the love of God and I am so unworthy of this life, so who am I to judge someone else's situation? 

It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning - GIVE AS YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN.  During the holiday season, we all get caught up in our own circles and forget to look around at all the people who don't have what we have.  Even worse, we forget the true meaning of Christmas and the awesome, selfless love of Christ who gave without reason.  If you have even a little bit to spare, I would really challenge you to help those who don't, regardless of their circumstances.

A little kindness goes a loooooooooong way.

Trust & Faith.

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Now, when I started on this blog journey, I promised myself I wouldn't get too personal; I swore that I wouldn't give too many details of my life because I believe in saving some details for a close few.  Prompted by The Shine Project, I am slightly breaking my promise to myself.

Danielle asked if we ever had our lives planned out a certain way.  Well, yes - and my plans and real life couldn't be more different.  I feel super blessed to be where I am; I have the most supportive family ever (sometimes a little too supportive), I have a man who loves me despite our disagreements and relationship faults, I have a home with a bed to lay in every night, and I have a perfectly healthy baby boy.

While I admit that I am - in some ways - living a pretty dreamy life, I had serious convictions about my life on a regular basis.  You know that song "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage?"  Well, my song is a little different.  Big Steven and I are not married and Little Steven was the most awesome little BIG 'surprise' of all time.  I make many jokes about not being married and frequently reference a wedding that has yet to happen or officially be planned (though I've had that bad boy in the works for like 15+ years.  Groom = minor details).

Like I said, I have convictions about the life I'm living.  I believe everyone's relationship with God is personal and my bond with Him has become incredibly strong since the day I found out I was pregnant.  There have been many tears shed out of fear of disappointing Him and many long talks with Him that ended in me pleading for direction.

Even when I started this blog, I wondered if I should talk about my faith and love for God in the same place I talk about my boyfriend and our son.  I prayed about it a lot and found that leaving either piece of the puzzle out would take away all sincerity that exists in my faith.

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The truth is, God's love surpasses any fathomable love in our minds.  In my circumstances right now, my relief is knowing I'm loved...like BIG TIME loved.  I never doubted that love, though I'd felt like I'd disappointed God among others in my life, and I didn't care about the societal traditional values; I mostly feared the responses from other Christians - the ones in my life and the ones who know me 'from a distance.'  While I've made a big effort not to judge anyone or their circumstances, I know judgement comes far too easily to many others.  When even they embraced me, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  And those who don't embrace it only remind me of God's unfailing love.

Trust and faith are constant reminders to me that life is not about being perfect, but remembering that we're forgiven and loved by the One who matters most.  It's knowing God's guidance and will are so good; I don't have to worry.   It's knowing, though it's not visible now, that peace will come in my heart about this situation.  

For now, I pray.  A lot.

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